Grief, Grace and Growing

9/11/26

Dear Rob,

Today was quite the day. It was busy and intense at times. I realized today that I’m finally using my Psychology Degree. I am constantly trying to under why humans act and behave the way that they do. Adulting is very challenging and exhausting. I feel like adulting was so much easier when I had you by my side. But I got through the day. I kept pushing through the obstacles. I made it to the 5th floor back to the 1st floor back to lobby and in between complete two check-ins. Right at 4:30pm, I grabbed my bags and left without looking back.

By the time I got home, all I wanted to do was rest my feet up and not make decisions or think about things. I just wanted to RELAX, but our daughter who is very insistent and a social butterfly wanted to attend the school’s Root Beer Float party. We used to go to those together. Watch our boys interact with their friends. They were so happy and free. But tonight, I was on my own. It was sad but at the same time, I really enjoyed my quiet time alone. Viv wanted to play ga-ga ball and before I knew it, I could not find our daughter. For a moment, I started to panic. I was already stressed from the day, and I just thought of you and all the time you lectured me on not watching Viv closely. Which is so funny because if I acted like a helicopter mom, you would tell me to “relax.” I felt I could not win with you.

I waited in the spot that Viv saw me last hoping she knows to return back. She didn’t, so I made another round around the park. Your daughter was playing soccer with the older boys. She scored twice; she was excited. The boys were so excited to play soccer with Viv. I shook my head because if you were here, you would have been watching Viv on the sideline with a big smirk. You would have been smiling if Viv put some moves on the boys and score. The short time you were here, you were so proud of your daughter when she played soccer. You would say ‘She’s in her element. She plays aggressively and isn’t afraid to go after the ball.”

By the time I got home, I felt exhausted. I checked in with Anders about his day. He’s taking pictures for Jacqui tomorrow. I checked his grades and I discussed college plans. Even though pure exhaustion, I clocked in again as a parent but this time with our stubborn 17 year old. Anders knows more than me. When you were here and he acted like he knew more than me, you quickly ended the conversation. You gave him a reality check. You let him know his tone would not fly in our home. His disrespect to me wasn’t acceptable or allowed.

So, when I was talking to Charlie about his grades and not meeting expectations, I wish so badly you were here. You were so much better at disciplining our children. I realize when you are a live, I never liked your tone and yet your death, a year of therapy, made me realize you were just doing your job as a dad.

I now know you were aware that some days you weren’t always your best. How you were treated as a child and teenager, was often projected on to our kids at times. And in those moments, I would let you know that I was not ok with it. I viewed parenting a bit different. You labeled me as a “gentle parent.” I didn’t like the harshness or yelling because it leaves scars and dysregulates their nervous system. You told me for 20 plus years that I am too gentle with our kids. You also stated that you lived your whole life praying that you didn’t act like your father. But when you grow up with that it’s a learned behavior that is hard to correct. Sometimes you were extra short with the kids and expressed your frustration. You were working so hard on it.

When I think about our marriage, that was the only area that we struggled on. Often, your childhood trauma surfaced at times that made you not yourself. You weren’t your best self and it reflected in your parenting at times. But the difference between you and your dad was that you recognized it. You apologized. You worked day each day to improve and you did a great job raising our children. And I miss having a partner who always had my back.

Twenty-five years ago on this date, I was at UWRF getting ready for my morning class. I was blow drying my hair when I saw an airplane crash into one of the twin towers. I was shocked. I woke up my roommate and together we were glued to the screen. I recall calling you to just hear your voice. I could tell by your voice that you were so worried. You made plans to visit me at my dorm. You kept your promise and we watched the news together in silence. We just couldn’t believe it.

That’s the hardest part for me Robert. For 26 years, you were always by my side through good times and hard time. If I had a bad day, you were one phone call away. You would send me a silly GIF or talk in a funny voice just to get me to smile.

We fought over parenting; we loved each other too much to let our differences break us. We taught each other things. I always asked you to “pump up your heart,” when you were running out of patience. Although you called me a gentle parent, you loved that I nurtured our babies the way that they should be. You loved that our babies turned to me and I was their safe person. You loved that I always made time for our babies. I listened to them; validated their feelings. I loved with all my heart, no matter what. I hugged them.

So today, I faced a hard day at work and I battled through it.

I was the bad parent today. I put my foot down. It was hard, but the one thing that your death taught me is that I will never have our babies ever feel the way you felt as a little boy and even as an adult. I will make sure the kids honor you by respecting their mother and respecting the elders. I will promise you that no matter how tough my day is, and just how tough adulting is on my own, I will raise our children the way you would if you were here.